so on Monday, i had 2 cancellations at work resulting in me doing an awful lot of thumb twiddling. i can in fact categorically say I'm a thumb twiddling expert now.
anyways, lucky for me, Pieman and Hanna aka my bitch needed somewhere to drop off hana's suitcase so she didnt have to lug it round with her all day. Flamin 8 worked out like as good a place as any to leave a bag that may or may not have contained a human body. So seeing as i was thumb twiddled out for the day, we buggered off down the pub. (we in fact did a semi sort of pub crawl, which included absolutely no drinking.... went like this
pub 1: "are u serving food?"
'no, not til 6'
"bumhole"
pub 2: "are u serving food?"
'no, not til 6'
"hmph"
pub 3: "are u serving food?"
'no, not til 6'
"oh my god you serve TAYTO'S!!!!!!!!!"
so we stayed. It was the Eagle. I like the Eagle, and the barmaid always treats me like a long lost friend. So much so in fact that this time, she decided to get her phone out and start showing me some texts she'd been recieving from the last barman she sacked. it read:
"i have put a woodoo (guessing they meant voodoo) curse on you, you fat ugly bulldog"
wow, not only is he a master at woodoo, but used bulldog as a derogatory term?! i like bulldogs. what a knob.
they also have a policy during happy hour where if u roll a double (they provide the die, and a lovely little suede lined tray to roll said die onto) you get a free drink. Pieman sucks at rolling doubles.
So we sat outside with the drinks that we had paid for, seeing as Pieman sucks at rolling doubles n all, and we didn't get any free drinks, coz Pieman sucks at rolling doubles don't ya know......
and we found a lil' friend. Hana wanted to feed him salt and vinegar Tayto's.... i didn't think they were good sustenance for our new found friend.... seeing as he was a mouse n all. Dry roasted peanuts seemed to do the trick though.
I have internally named him "marshal" marshal the mouse. i probably shouldn't have named him or become so attached, coz after about 4 peanute he never came back out, and i have a funny feeling that the salt content on dry roasted peanuts isn't amazingly good for a lil' itty bitty mouse named marshal's internal organs.........god i hope he's ok.
so 6 came and went, and we ordered a veritable feast....
there was chicken satay ... but me n Hana seem to have a same level appreciation for meat on a stick, so they went before i had time to get photographic evidence....
the sesame toast had some weird stuff hidden under the sesame....conversation went :
me"what's this gooey shit?"
hana:"prawn i think, but it doesnt taste too much like prawn so it's ok"
me: "shit, i'm allergic to prawns"(i'd already eaten half of it)
hana and simon pull faces of impending doom and go "really?!"
me: "no"
hana's 'this is amazing' face is one of the best i've encountered to date....
i didn't come close to finishing my meal, and got a right bollocking from the waitress, so i did what any self respecting adult would do, and faked crying until she stopped. it worked pretty well. y'all should try it.
So after our feed, we headed to the Dev for a cheese n pickle punk night. I'm not gonna lie, i was tempted to reenact the ball saga again, but .... well.... couldn't be arsed.
i did get to try out my new penknife....
I've now been dubbed 'julia "fight the power" seizure'
i'm so ok with that.
outside the Dev, i spotted an awesome old man to photograph... and my word am i glad i took the time out to ask for his photo....
best shirt ever. but wait..... it gets better.....
much
much
much
better.......
look
at
what
he
was
holding!
only a bag full of hand made "bottom spanker" inscribed spanking paddles.
so of course, i tried one out.....
look at that stance, i'm a natural...
i've come to realise i approach spanking similar to how i approach bowling.... good stance and a good smooth follow through. when all else fails, brute force comes in handy too.
i think the violence just pregressed from that point, and we ended up in a massive bar brawl. luckily it happened in slow motion so we were able to get some good photos for the cops....
anyways, hana had to catch a bus back to scotland, so we nipped back to the shop. luckily, kentish town n camden are pretty close to one another....
got a lil' spun out by a dude hanging round the shop walking around at a snails pace.... couldnt lock the door behind us quick enough. when we came out, he was still there.... sat in his car.... being all pervy. see, a man with handmade spanking paddles, not pervy... for god's sake, i took his e mail.... but a man who moves slow and sits in his own car..... no...... don't trust him.
right, customer arrives, suppose i'd better get to work!
til next time..... go lamb slapping.
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